To: Mr. Misguider, Lean Six Sigma Master Black Belt
Subject: Pre-Kaizen Work—An Early Victory for Catastrophe Management
Dear Mr. Misguider,
As always, your boundless wisdom has illuminated my path toward operational enlightenment. Following your sage guidance, I have spent the last several weeks preparing for McFizzle’s Custom Soda’s first-ever Kaizen Event Week—a transformative initiative meant to revolutionize how we make receiving inspection in the warehouse of our custom fizzy beverages raw material.
What I did not anticipate, however, was that before we could revolutionize anything, I would first need to survive the pre-Kaizen phase. I assure you, dear mentor, that what I am about to describe is not a failure, but rather an extended, highly educational period of unexpected setbacks.
Step 1: Cross-Functional Team Formation – A Masterclass in Workplace Hostility
Per your directive, I carefully assembled an elite team of representatives from Production, Quality, Warehouse, Accounting, and Mechanics to ensure a diverse set of perspectives. This, in theory, would allow us to create holistic improvements that benefited everyone.
In practice, however, this has resulted in an organizational standoff the likes of which I have never seen.
Production was excited at first—until they realized that Quality was involved. This led to grumbling about how “this isn’t a Kaizen event, it’s just another way for Quality to tell us we’re wrong.”
Quality arrived confused and immediately tried to audit the event itself. When I gently reminded them that we weren’t evaluating compliance, they responded, “Then why are we here?”
Warehouse was openly hostile upon realizing that they would be expected to contribute ideas instead of just complaining about inventory issues from a safe distance.
The Mechanics refused to acknowledge the event altogether, insisting that they were far too busy fixing the consequences of past Kaizen events to participate in a new one. I am considering bribing them with free soda.
The net result: every team now sees the others as an obstacle to improvement, rather than a partner. There is a non-zero chance that before we optimize anything, we will need to implement a peace treaty.
Step 2: Securing the War Room – The Great Conference Room Betrayal
Mr. Misguider, what I am about to say may shock you. Two months ago, I meticulously reserved the perfect conference room for this Kaizen event—centrally located, equipped with whiteboards, and, most importantly, big enough to contain all the egos involved.
Then, exactly one day before the event was set to begin, leadership declared an “Emergency Strategic Meeting” and took over the room for the entire week.
I politely inquired about alternative spaces, only to be met with the following choices:
The janitor’s supply closet, which is technically available, though difficult to conduct a brainstorming session while standing between mop buckets and industrial degreaser.
The breakroom, which has an espresso machine that sounds like an industrial air compressor and will, I fear, drown out all meaningful discussion.
The parking lot, which remains an option if I can convince participants that “lean thinking” includes literally being lean enough to withstand the elements.
Leadership’s only suggestion was to “be agile”, which I now understand is corporate-speak for “not our problem.”
So, as it stands, I am leading a major process improvement initiative without an actual location to conduct it. I have been advised by Warehouse that they “might be able to clear some space between the soda syrup barrels,” which is a generous offer that may also lead to several participants becoming permanently sticky.
Step 3: Gathering Supplies – Procurement or Performance Art?
A Kaizen event, as you taught me, requires three sacred tools: Post-its, markers, and flip charts. I secured all of them, but:
Post-it Notes: I ordered 500 packs, but I failed to specify a single type, so we now have 17 different sizes, colors, and levels of stickiness. Some adhere too well (removing them also removes the paint from the wall), while others refuse to stick at all, drifting through the air like corporate confetti.
Markers: The first batch dried out instantly. The second batch was somehow permanent, which we discovered after an unfortunate incident where we accidentally “optimized” the walls. Facilities has informed me that any additional writing on surfaces will result in “consequences.”
Step 4: Management Engagement – A Masterclass in Selective Participation
To build support, I invited senior leadership to attend. Their responses have been, shall we say, less than inspiring:
The Plant Manager agreed to attend but only if it “doesn’t slow down production,” which, given that we are literally trying to change production, presents a fascinating paradox.
The VP of Operations responded with, “Do I have to?” which I believe is a cry for help.
Warehouse leadership has declared neutrality, meaning they will neither confirm nor deny their participation until “the battlefield has stabilized.”
Meanwhile, the rank-and-file employees believe that “Kaizen Event” is code for layoffs. Morale is low, tensions are high, and I fear that before long, someone will fashion a weapon out of a label printer.
Next Steps and Your Guidance
Mr. Misguider, I am at a crossroads. I remain confident that this chaos is simply a sign of progress. As you once said, “If it isn’t painful, it isn’t Lean.” However, I need your expert guidance on:
Where I should actually hold the event, given that my only remaining options are a broom closet, the breakroom, or an undisclosed location somewhere in the warehouse.
How to successfully frame this situation as a positive transformation rather than a logistical nightmare.
The best way to ensure management attends without giving them enough time to question what’s happening.
I await your wisdom, knowing that whatever you suggest will be both highly confident and completely detached from reality.
Yours in continuous catastrophe,
Mr. Blunder
Lean Six Sigma Black Belt
"Eliminating Waste, One Poorly Planned Initiative at a Time"
Have a pre-Kaizen horror story of your own? Share it in the comments below!
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